I’m happily married with a four-year-old daughter, but it wasn’t so long ago that I was trying to navigate the dating scene within the church. Finding someone who shared my faith was my basic prerequisite. However, beyond that initial filter, I felt confused and anxious about knowing how to discern the character of the person I was interested in. Many books I read focused on behaviors and standards. Painful experience eventually taught me that apparently good standards and behaviors can cover dark secrets. Finally, I gave up on reading books about relationships altogether. Instead, I searched scripture to help me find guiding principles for discernment. In this process, I discovered ten biblical dating red flags.

1. Difficulty apologizing or accepting blame. It doesn’t really matter how nice a person is most of the time, if they are unwilling to accept blame and apologize for their actions when they do something wrong. The refusal to acknowledge sin is, essentially, the unpardonable sin. Jesus explained that the work of the Holy Spirit is to “convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment” (John 16:8). However, he also warned that someone who fights against the Holy Spirit “never has forgiveness but is guilty of an eternal sin” (Mark 3:29). This is because the Bible places repentance as a prerequisite to receiving forgiveness and being saved (Acts 3:19). If an apparently “spiritual” person resists the work of the Holy Spirit to convict them of their faults and wrongdoing, God is unable to work in their life and create a righteous character in them. Regardless of any other positive traits, such a person is not safe to marry.

   

2. Displays a pattern of hostility and resentment. Hostility acts like a poison to love, and over time it can create irreconcilable differences between two people. In his treatise on love, Paul exclaimed that true love “is not irritable or resentful” (1 Cor. 13:5). Because of this, he warned that Christians should take care that “no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble” (Heb. 12:15). Instead of giving the silent treatment, or berating the other person for their failures, the Bible is clear that we are called to imitate Christ who, “When he was reviled . . . did not revile in return” (1 Peter 2:23). Of course, even the best Christians fall short of God’s ideal and can, at times, demonstrate resentful behavior. However, when hostility and resentment are a persistent pattern of a person’s character, it suggests that a marriage with that person would gradually become devoid of love and happiness.

3. Exudes Negativity. While all of us have moments where we feel pessimistic or depressed but sharing life with someone who can never seem to see the bright side of things is emotionally exhausting. In fact, Proverbs explains: “a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22). Throughout the Bible Christians are encouraged to cultivate joy as an antidote to the difficulties and trials that we often experience (James 1:2, Rom. 12:12, Prov. 17:22). “Rejoice always,” we are told, and “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thess. 5:16–18). If you want to marry someone who can help make this life easier, be cautious about pursuing someone who is chronically negative and discouraging to be around.

   

4. Creates drama and conflict. Some people seem to always be in the middle of major drama. Often, these people present themselves as victims who have been wrongfully mistreated. Take a step back, however, and you might discover they enjoy conflict and gossip and the resulting drama that follows them wherever they go. In the book of Proverbs, the Preacher warns several times of “hot-tempered” or “perverse” people who create conflict and spread gossip (Prov. 15:18; 16:28). By contrast, the Bible encourages believers to “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy” (Heb. 12:14). As “far as it depends on you,” we are commanded, “live at peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:18). The reason for this is that “human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:20). A marriage characterized by constant conflict hinders rather than helps our walk with God.

5. Often Demonstrates Impatience with Others. Both partners in a marriage will, at one time or another, discover irritating faults in the other that require the exercise of patience and forbearance. Paul explains that “bearing with one another in love” is how we can maintain unity and peace with one another (Eph. 4:2–3). He also observed that “love is patient,” and in dealing with faulty humans, Christ himself displays “his perfect patience” (1 Cor. 13:4; 1 Tim. 1:16). Thus, patience is a character trait of God, and exercising it is a necessary part of the process of becoming one. A spouse who is unable to bear with the faults of the other, prevents the expression of Christlike love within marriage.

6. Has a cruel side. Cruelty is essentially the result of narcissism—excessive self-centeredness that pushes out concern and interest for the feelings of other people. In the initial stages of dating, this side might not be directed at you, but it might certainly be discernible in the way a person treats those who can do nothing for them, such as animals or the poor. The book of Proverbs warns, “the wicked [person] is cruel” and does not have “regard for the life of his beast” (Prov. 12:10). Meanwhile, Jeremiah defines righteousness as protecting the oppressed, immigrants, orphans, and widows (Jer. 22:3). Micah explains that God requires his people to “do justice, and to love kindness” (Micah 6:8). Indeed, the Bible is clear that being “kind to one another, tenderhearted” reflects how Christ treats us. John correctly asks, “if anyone . . . sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him” (1 John 3:17)?

7. Possesses skewed ethics. Ethics, which are the moral principles that guide a person’s choices and behavior, provide insight into a person’s true character. Jesus said, “The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil” (Matt. 12:35). Someone who is willing to cheat on exams, use filthy language, or push physical boundaries of purity, is someone who does not value strict honesty or goodness. By contrast, the Bible counsels Christians to internalize “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable” (Philip. 4:8). The Bible warns that someone with a warped sense of morality can ruin the “good morals” of their spouse and draw them away from Christ—the origin of all true goodness (1 Cor. 15:33; Psalm 16:2).

8. Has a History of Being Unfaithful. This red flag should be obvious. After all, most of us recognize that faithfulness is a major requirement for marriage. In practice, however, the standard of faithfulness the Bible portrays is higher than the culture around us. Jesus said unequivocally, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:11–12). In fact, the only exceptions the Bible allows for divorce are “sexual immorality” and abandonment by an “unbelieving partner” (Matt. 19:9, 1 Cor. 7:15). Divorce for superficial reasons is declared by God to be an act of violence against the marriage covenant (Malachi 2:16). “Let marriage be held in honor among all . . . ” Paul commands believers, “for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Heb. 13:4). Clearly, God values the marriage covenant highly and he asks us to do the same.

9. Can be harsh or violent. Harshness and violence are the antithesis of love and the principles of God’s character. Nothing can destroy marital happiness more than a spouse who verbally or physically attacks and destroys their partner. Indeed, God declares that “his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence” (Ps. 11:5). The pre-flood earth was destroyed by God because it “was filled with violence” (Gen. 6:11). Included in this hatred is not only physical violence but violent or harsh words. “A gentle tongue is a tree of life,” Proverbs states, “but perverseness in it breaks the spirit” (Pr. 15:4). James declared, “How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. . . . with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God” (James 3:5–12). “Pursue . . . gentleness,” the Bible tells us, because anyone who “thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue” has a “worthless” religion (1 Tim. 6:11, James 1:26).

   

10. Struggles with Addiction. Addiction can take many different forms—alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, gambling, video games, food, or even shopping. The Bible rightfully warns Christians against “the passions of the flesh, which wage war against [the] soul” (1 Peter 2:11). Peter explains that “whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved” (2 Peter 2:19). By contrast, Paul encourages believers to “live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age” (Titus 2:11–12). Not only do addictive behaviors negatively impact the addict, but the Bible also warns against close social relationships with people who are actively engaging in these behaviors. It declares, “Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eaters of meat” (Pr. 23:20). After all, “Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned” (Pr. 6:27)?

It might be obvious at this point that there is a unifying theme between all these red flags. The first red flag that I have identified defines a person’s relationship to the Holy Spirit. The last nine are the inversion of the fruit of the Spirit that Paul identified in Galatians: “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Gal. 5:22–23). Unfortunately, as I have observed in fifteen years of ministry, many Christians appear to be religious and possess outstanding character. However, all too often, this appearance turns out to be nothing more than a mirage. We should not be surprised by this hypocrisy, nor should we be surprised if we discover it in ourselves. Ever since the fall of Adam and Eve, humans have been incapable of being truly good without the enabling power of the Holy Spirit. Paul explained that “nothing good dwells in [us], that is, in [our] flesh” because we “have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out” (Rom. 7:18). Indeed, it is only “if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in [us]” that we can live lives of obedience and righteousness (Rom. 8:9).

Because we are only able to develop a good character through the power of the Holy Spirit, the most important attribute to look for in a future spouse is their relationship with the Holy Spirit. While we can’t expect anyone to have fully developed the fruit of the Spirit or to never exhibit any of the red flags listed above, we can expect that a Spirit-led Christian will repent when they become aware of their flaws and make sincere efforts to change, without placing partial blame on the other person or making them responsible for their behavior in any way. Marriage is truly a sanctifying experience—not because each spouse makes life difficult for the other and thus helps develop character through adversity, but because each should be able to encourage and uplift the other in their pursuit of Jesus. Ellen White expressed it well. “The family relationship should be sanctifying in its influence. Christian homes, established and conducted in accordance with God’s plan, are a wonderful help in forming Christian character” (10 MR 202).

Esther Louw is a PhD Student at Avondale University, Australia. She has worked as a Bible worker and literature evangelist in Australia, Lebanon, and the United States. She recently completed an MA in Church History at Andrews University, focusing her thesis on a comparison study of soteriology in the writings of John Wesley and Ellen White.