My grandparents were married in the 1920s. Stan was blind, and Lily was the youngest of thirteen children. She conceived on their honeymoon and had no idea how she would give birth. When Lily asked how the baby would come out, her aunt replied, “The same way it got in.” Lily had never seen the birth of a baby or even an animal. She was frightened and confused.
Because of the silent embarrassment of their parents, my parents found a book to help them navigate the basics of sexual intimacy. Thankfully, they chose to give us the message that sex is a beautiful gift from God. Our sexuality was something to anticipate with joy and wonder and a delight to treasure. God wonderfully and beautifully created our bodies, and how they work is “very good” (Genesis 1:27–31).
It’s not easy to talk about God’s amazing gift of sexuality and the wonderful way in which God designed our bodies for intimacy. We struggle with our own stories of shame and embarrassment or to find the best words to discuss the topic. But we need to have an ongoing conversation about healthy sexuality with our children, one little piece at a time.
AS THEY GROW
The way we care for our babies, talk about their bodies, and delight in how they were created is vital for developing their healthy body image. They learn that they are wonderfully made when we handle them gently and lovingly as God’s precious gifts. Even when we change their diapers, we can smile and care for them cheerfully rather than with disgust (which can give them the unintentional message that their genitals are dirty and shameful).
A marriage in which each partner cares for the other and invests in the other person’s flourishing can demonstrate healthy boundaries and positive attitudes toward sexuality. This helps children learn about good relationships, kindness, respect, and serving each other in love.
As children grow older, continue to talk about their bodies with wonder and respect, and help them to delight in all their body systems. It’s best to give children bite-sized chunks of information about sex when it arises in the conversation or when they see animals mating and giving birth rather than having one Big Talk about sex.
Answer their questions as simply and warmly as you can, with a smiling face and a soft tone. This will help them to feel comfortable and confident when they want to talk about sexual topics and questions in the future. If you’re not sure what to say, tell them they’ve asked a good question and that you’ll look for some good answers.
Sometimes children explore their bodies and touch their genitals. This is perfectly normal. They are learning that God has filled them with enjoyable sensations, like touch, sound, taste, sight, and smell.
Look for Christian books that present a simple, positive picture of our sexuality and God’s plan for families, such as The Story of Me by Brenna Jones. Teach children about pornography early, especially if you live in a culture where they might accidentally discover pornography when using computers and phones. Good Pictures, Bad Pictures by Gail Poyner and Kristen A. Jenson explains pornography in a simple way and then teaches children five “Can Do” steps to respond to pornography if they accidentally encounter it:
C – Close your eyes immediately.
A – Always tell an adult.
N – Name it as pornography.
D – Do something distracting.
O – Order your thinking brain to take charge.
Prepare children for the exciting changes of puberty. Give girls a positive concept of menstruation by celebrating this new stage in a fun and special way. Keep affirming the wonder of their body, and make sure that your comments about them and their bodies reinforce that they are precious to you and God. Avoid teasing them and shaming them.
As they grow older, teens will ask more challenging questions about relationships and sexuality. The website at www.axis.org* provides excellent discussion guides on various subjects. They contain current research, biblical references, and robust answers to help you navigate the complexity of your teen’s questions.
TOP TIPS
Where possible, continue to nurture your marriage by learning more about your own sexual intimacy and seeking help for your areas of struggle and pain. When your attitudes toward sexual intimacy are healthy and positive, you will also help your children to appreciate and respect God’s wonderful gift.
When you have a warm and open approach to your children’s sexual curiosity, they are more likely to turn to you with their concerns, worries, and questions. Breathe deeply, stay calm, and ask them where their question has come from. This will help you understand the context of their question and what kind of answers they need.
Teach the importance of consent in relationships. This helps them create safe boundaries by saying “No!” when others want them to do things they don’t want to do, and shows them how to respect others when they choose to say “No!”
Your children are on a journey of learning about sexuality, just as you are. Don’t panic when they are struggling. Stay calm and hold on to the bigger picture of their lives and God’s grace.
Help them to understand the difference between feelings and identity. Feelings can be complex, but they don’t define us and can change over time.
Help your teens find safe Christian adults to mentor them so they have a caring and positive support system.
Keep praying for wisdom and love as you share the secrets of God’s wonderful design for sexuality with your children.
Remember that God has already forgiven every sexual mistake and unwise decision. Everyone can start again and make better choices next time.
Tell them that whatever they are struggling with, you will always support them and be there for them, just as God is always there for us. Even when they have messed up, we can welcome them home and love them deeply, just like the father of the prodigal son
(Luke 15:11–32).
Karen Holford is a family therapist and a departmental director at the Trans-European Division. She has been married to Pastor Bernie Holford for more than 40 years, and they are still learning and growing in sexual intimacy!
This article first appear in Stronger Together, Issue Three, 2024. Used with permission.
*While the website www.axis.org provides excellent discussions and valuable information on many subjects, this reference does not imply a full endorsement of all content by the Seventh-day Adventist Church.
